Spelling your name

Transcript

A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A policeman (Stephen Fry) and Derek (Hugh Laurie) are at the police station.

P: All right. Could I just have your name, please, sir?

D: Right, uh…hold on a second….(reaches into his pocket)…Ready?

P: Yes.

D: My name is Derek (drops a pack of gum on the counter—thunk).

P: (confused look) What are you doing?

D: That’s my name. 

P: What is?

D: This. Derek (drops gum again—thunk).

P: What? Derek (drops gum—thunk) is your name?

D: Yes!

P: What kind of name is that?

D: It’s my name!

P: A bit unusual, isn’t it, Mr. (thunka-thunk)? 

D: If I had a pound for every time someone had said that to me!

P: Um, how do you spell (thunk), Mr. (thunk)?

D: It’s as it sounds.

P: Uh, yeah…if you wouldn’t mind spelling it for me….

D: (looks at watch)Well I mean, can’t you um…

P: I would be very grateful if you would spell it for me.

D: Oh, all right then. N. I. P. P. L. hyphen. E.

P: Nipple.

D: (confused) I beg your pardon?

P: Nipple.

D: Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?

P: N-I-P-P-L-E….

D: Hyphen-E!

P:….hyphen E in my book spells nipple. It does not spell (thunk).

D: Have you gone mad? What are you talking about? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly-trained law enforcement unit! You can’t even spell!

P: All right, Mr. Nipple, if I could have your address, please.

(no response)

P: Your address, please.

D: Are you talking to me?

P: Yes.

D: You want to know my address?

P: Yes, please.

D: Or do you want to know Mr. Nipple’s address? 

P: Your address, please.

D: My address. Right. My address is number 22 (tap dance, slaps policeman) King's Lynn.

P: Watch it.

D: What?

P: Just watch it.

D: Watch what, for heaven’s sake?

P: You do realize that assaulting a police officer is a very serious offense?

D: Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But giving your address to a policeman, on the other hand, probably isn’t so serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law has changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they’re asked!

P: All right, all right. Let’s just check this with you, shall we, Mr. (thunk)?

D: Yes?

P: Your address is 22 (tap dance, punches Derek) King's Lynn.

D: No, no, no. What’s the matter with you? It’s 22 (tapdance, slaps policeman) King's Lynn. Tch!

P: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was 22 (tap dance, punches Derek) King's Lynn.

D: Well, it isn’t!

P: Can’t read my own handwriting.

D: Well, get a typewriter!

P: I don’t think we could afford a typewriter, sir. Do you know, it’s funny….From some angles it looks like 22 (tap dance, pulls out a cricket bat and whacks Derek across the head) King's Lynn.

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